Some families just seem to run smoothly, while other families appear to be in constant chaos, with unruly children and stressed out parents. The smooth-running family is not happenstance–a lot of thought, planning, discipline, sacrifice and time go into establishing and maintaining a successful family.

I have worked for many families over the years and have made some observations on commonalities among these successful families that I would like to share with you now in time for the start of a new school year.

Successful families adhere to a strict schedule. Rising time to bedtime and everything in between is according to a routine schedule. Children feel secure in a structured environment. Too much unstructured time can turn to pandemonium. Fun, family activities and plenty of time for daily physical exercise are included in the schedule.

A strict bedtime routine is crucial for healthy and happy families. Successful families put the children to bed early, without undue fuss, leaving time for parents to discuss private family matters or to have time to unwind in peace. Well-rested children are happier, healthier and ready to learn, and parents are entitled to some quiet time to themselves.

Family time is valued and at least one meal per day is eaten together as a family. The dinner menu is planned and ready to go into the oven or microwave ahead of time. Dinnertime is not only a time to enjoy healthy meals, but to learn about each other, laugh together, and for parents to provide guidance to children. This should be a happy time; not the place to discipline or complain. No one person should monopolize the conversation. Manners, social etiquette and conversational skills are learned during family mealtimes.

Children eat breakfast before school.

Television and computer time is limited and monitored. No televisions or computers are available in the children’s bedrooms. Reading is encouraged, lots of age-appropriate books are available and weekly trips to the library are on the schedule.

Expectations are defined and realistic. Perfection is not a goal. Disappointments and failures are discussed in a non-threatening manner, and are used as opportunities for improvement. Every child is treated as an individual, with their own strengths and weaknesses, and not compared to their siblings.

Parents need to realize that even the most wonderful child in the world has the capability for doing wrong, behaving badly or not working up to their potential at school. The parents do not dismiss, deny or minimize a concern or problem reported by a teacher, babysitter or other adult. Working as a team and showing respect for the other adults in your child’s life is the only way that your child will learn to be respectful and take responsibility for their actions.

Consequences for inappropriate behaviors should be made with a cool head so there are no regrets over the punishment that was dealt out in the heat of the moment.

It’s inevitable that there will be times when parents don’t agree on a punishment, but you both must present as a united team and back each other’s decisions up in front of the children. Discussions with your spouse over concerns and possible alternative punishments for future infractions must be done privately. Children are expected to make amends and apologize. It may not be easy, but parents have to do the difficult thing sometimes.

Good parents take an active role in their child’s education and school activities, including attending the back-to-school night and teacher conferences; reading notices sent home with the child, familiarizing themselves with the curriculum, school and bus rules.

Children have chores they are responsible for. No one is exempt from these chores. No matter how busy the child is with classes, sports, extra-curricular activities, or homework, all members of the family must contribute time and energy to help the family unit. Chores teach life skills and begin with the smallest child.

Hugs and kisses are plentiful.

Successful children have parents who set a good example in all aspects of life. Children watch their parents carefully and will imitate their actions. Think carefully about how you handle disappointment, anger, and conflict. You will soon see your reactions—good or bad—mimicked by your children.

It may not always be an easy road for parents, but the rewards are numerous. The joy of being part of a happy, successful family is awesome. RPM